for the birds

hm.  not sure i feel like blogging, but i am going to anyway.  it’s been a busy productive few days in my tiny little life.  i started doing birth chart readings at the vajra.  it’s a challenge to fit them into a half an hour slot, but it challenges me to give the client information that is relevant for them at the time, and it also opens me up more to psychic messages, verses an in depth piece by piece analysis of every aspect of the chart, which really, one could talk about for hours and hours, days, months.  i am re-falling in love with astrology.  a new astrology seeker contacted me to talk shop and i am excited to meet him and get into it.  it’s consuming me right now.  life is all astrology and editing my book, walking in the woods, and being mostly alone.  though i had a good time at sra’s the other night, where we danced around a crystal alter and let out our spirits.  i don’t have many people i can do this with.  i am so used to being labeled woo woo, i realize i have shrunk in my expression.  no more reactivity to judgement.  it’s a libra moon weakness.  it felt so good to lay all our stones on her little glass table, turn up the bass, raise the frequency of love, and let go.  i channeled a new yoga pose.  emotional expression yoga.  it was a pose that lets out the exhaustion the mundane inflicts upon the whimsy of the soul.  so much to explore.  i am only scratching the surface right now, as i let more authentic me bubble up from the deep…just like evolution, i am moving from the unconscious waters of the sea, to land, giving myself legs and a conceptual brain.  seattle is experiencing some darkness this week.  killings.  then some weird knife guy i saw a friend post about on facebook.  i watched a video on fear response and contemplated what i have been doing lately.  calling a circle of protection when i go out.  not staying out too late alone, walking.  hyper aware of my surroundings.  it’s odd.  watching myself become somebody who wont let fear let her stop living life.  i could move.  i want to move.  i don’t want to live on a block where shootings and muggings happen.  i want a yard and a basement.  but then again, sometimes when you are in the center of danger, you are most protected.  i am learning how to contend with fear.  it’s unusual.  i am also reaching out to new people lately.  another unusual thing.  my shyness is getting in the way some.  but i embrace the fear of facing somebody new, without walls, and seeing them in me and me in them, and living the reflection out loud.  creating intimacy in mundane reality.  there is nothing scary about getting to know awesome people.  my desire to connect is strong.  to connect those i connect to, to others too.  to be a connector.  i am observing both love and violence peak right now in my reality.  and what of this flesh eating drug the mentally ill are taking?  it’s so sad.  i don’t like the zombie reference, i think it’s mean.  nobody wakes up in the morning and says, “today i would like to take a drug, get high, and eat the flesh of another human being”.  well, maybe somebody says that, or wants that, but if they do, i feel sadness for them.  to turn into something not human, it’s a terrifying thing.  it’s a terrifying thing that we are made of blood and flesh, such an easily destructible form we have.  it’s perfect to have these vulnerable bodies, if we want to learn how to treat one another with tenderness and care.  no better way to learn how to love, than to live as a body that can die and be hurt with ease.  who cares if the reason made the body or the body made the reason.  it’s neither.  it’s both.  it’s simultaneous.  some people think this is all God’s doing.  i believe them, just translate “God” to mean Life.  where they see one being with eyes and decision making abilities, i see a sentient force aware of itself through the many eyes and forms it births and expresses, not out of decision making, but out of is-ing, out of being.  we feel our way to the source and come up with a way to understand, that works for us.  believe in God, Jesus, Buddha, Life, Goddess, Spirit, Isis, Atoms, Nothing, etc etc, infinity.  it’s your right.  if mean leaders want to exploit this tender sweet poetic process we do as humans, to relate to all of life, by adding a bunch of rules and regulations that isolate certain people, and keep people divided and focused on war and winning and saving…that’s their right too.  it’s a free will, free for all reality here.  only the individual has the power to say yes or no.  what better way to learn how to be an individual, than to come up against the challenge of giving your power away to another person, group, force.  ok, enough words.  i gotta get in the woods and listen to birds.

silence talking

been taking these long spirit hikes each morning, but it’s raining today and i wonder….do i walk in the rain, or not go today and focus more on a heavy edit (which i feel today will be) before going to the vajra?  i don’t know.  waking up in seattle, you never know what you’re gonna get.  reminds me of me.  and some of the moody people i know.  moods might change, but the core is consistent.  i’ve had a moody week.  talking is not what i have wanted, with anybody.  think i am climbing out of that today.  but you know, how sometimes, it hurts to talk?  or sometimes, i feel whomever i am with so strong, that i can’t separate myself from them, and it gets overwhelming.  this is why i know that, whomever i wind up being with in a romantic union of the long term and domestic form…has to be ok with me sometimes sleeping in my own bed, and regenerating alone.  though maybe i would also change.  basically, anything i say right now, could change.  this is why mental claims, right now, seem dumb.  every time i say something like a claim, i feel silly.  i feel very free right now.  ready to go at any moment.  ready to plunge, dive, sprint, run, turn around and see what i am leaving, and smile.  it’s interesting to not give into my impulsive desires and watch them instead, scramble upward like hyper flames, wanting.  what do i want?  right now i am basic.  i want affection and i want to explore.  i want to feel life as new.  i want to play.  child like cycle.  i suppose that’s another reason mental claims feel funny right now.  children don’t make them.  though i remember making some, when i was little.  actually, what the hell am i talking about?  i made them all the time.  my barbie was the most famous actress and scientist in the world.  stupid brainwash.  i was obsessed with science when i was little, that wasn’t brainwash.  i had a thing with being a chemical engineer.  ha!  look at me now.  they say look back to when you were little to understand your purpose.  not always the case.  if that were the case i would be a doctor who sings in her spare time.  some people change cyclically.  the lighting outside is dim and brownish grey.  thinking about the wet soil soaked woods right now, feels like affection.  maybe a walk is in order.  i have nothing important to say.  my book editing continues to be sad.  also, i continue to believe in myself.  at last.  i am not going through and berating what i have written.  i like it.  i love it, in fact.  i think they call this progress.  i have no deep thoughts right now.  my mind is utterly blank.  people were shot and killed by a man yesterday in seattle.  i felt both him and those who died.  to the point where i couldn’t do anything last night, but feel them.  he killed himself, the killer.  i feel sadness for the way denial is manifested into random acts of violence.  evy left a comment about ginger on my facebook page.  saying how confounding it is, that moment one looks their killer in the eye.  ginger was evy’s best friend growing up.   she was murdered randomly some years ago, by a serial killer.  before they found ginger’s body she was “missing” for months.  i will never forget when lys, dawn, and i went to the back door where she was last seen (where the killer dragged her body to his car) to get a psychic feel…and how we left after a few minutes, all of us struck with a feeling of complete darkness, something i can’t put into words, that seeped into our hearts so quick and hard, we raced away, speechless.  what a mammoth contrast, to experience all the lightworkers yelling love and light, living beside murderers.  ginger was a bright spirit too.  i was never close with her, more of an acquaintance.  she was a vegas icon in the small circle that made up vegas subculture in the nineties.  she loved attention.  she was a dancer.  beautiful, passionate, determined.   i have to be honest, it scares me, being a female in a violent reality.  i know i have forces i can call upon.  i know life leaves when life leaves.  i know even knowing the highest level of kung fu wont prevent somebody hitting you over the head when you aren’t looking, knocking you into death.  there is a sense of surrender i feel when i contemplate how many ways we can die.  even by the hand of a sick person who kills.  people go to war and shoot each other, in the name of patriotism, in this reality.  it’s crazy.  in my heart, i feel the temporary reality of this place, as clear as i feel the infinite reality coursing through and becoming me.  i am ok to die.  not asking for it anymore.  but like hellen keller said, death is a doorway.  i am excited for it.  at the same time, life as michelle, here, on this short trip between birth and death, is amazing.  it’s amazing i have the ability to forget the rest, and think michelle is all there is.   it’s amazing, the people i love.  the earth, nature, creatures, food, colors, emotions, thoughts, are all amazing.  i have nothing to end this blog entry with.  keeping it open.

the muse and devotion

another long city hike yesterday.  it’s my anchor right now.  and my sanity.  long walking, and the woods.  i started editing my first draft yesterday too.  it’s making me sad.  the book is sad.  book two will be a different tone.  book one is a sad tune.  i left the edit feeling like i wanted a cigarette.  i didn’t smoke one, don’t do that, but you know, that need to be destructive emerged, from the sadness, and i watched it flare.  giving it compassion.   beautiful sadness, i hope it is.  sadness that gives others permission to get in touch with their own.  i look forward to book two.  new tone.  adventure.  it’s taking me over already, book two.  i was pulling cards yesterday about it.  as it goes, my soul is in the hanged man.  sacrificing my desire for worldly success, in order to achieve something greater?  we shall see.  staying true to the messages is the protocol.  being bitch to the muse.  being subordinate to a higher call, even if the higher call is my own soul.  me, my, mine, does not matter, once you pop the physical bubble.  the key is to be in the flow of the spectrum, from endless beginning, to endless end.  this involves, for me at times, pulling away from certain desires, and certain experiences that get in the way of being a full blossoming flower of life.  feeling so alive lately.  the yammer of mental banter is on my nerves.  gives me a headache.  this is the part where my sensitivities start blossoming even more, cause i am not drinking, and i am ingesting lots of spirulina and goji.  red and green.  walking in the woods.  spending time in silence.  this is the part where i begin to fear becoming too isolated from everybody else, energetically.  i see the usual want to play itself out.  i have done this a million times.  but i will make it different this time.  i will not fear being different.  i know i am loved and i love with equal capacity.  i don’t want to be a new age speaker.  i hate that for myself.  i don’t want to write anything on what reality is, what truth is.  i could write creative non-fiction on what love is, but that’s as far as i go.  i am following a creative muse.  and it seeps into the bones of this reality, which is also fiction.  non-fiction, these days, hurts to read.  information told dry, is not my thing.  channeled spew i like.  we all have our affinities.  my feelings are changing.  for myself, for others, for the world, for life.  i walk into roy street and feel tremendous love for everybody there.  thank you roy street.  making a cafe my office, so to speak, is a heart felt thing for me.  i love the hill.  i don’t know if i can leave it.  i want to live on the other side of it.  back where i used to.  if i stay.  there’s this big call to california happening.  not just me either.  the sun calls, of course.  the openness of the people is nice.  but seattle is refined.  more mysterious.  its beauty is not understood by a lot of people.  the hill is not understood by a lot of people.  specially now that it’s getting expensive, edgy, and gentrified.  but i am a tolerant person.  i can handle its transformation into williamsburg.  i have lived in williamsburg, so i get it.  what i love about the hill, has nothing to do with posh places to sit.  it’s the trees i talk to.  the actual hilliness.  the feeling, and the familiarity that is home.  certain places.  roy street, joe bar, vajra, pho cyclo, travellers, rainbow, madison market.  was walking up on seventeenth and those upper number streets, from one side to the other, falling in love with it up there.  maybe up there.  in a house.  i want a basement and a yard.  oh the continual pull within for more space and less space.  to root and to wander.  the hill has my heart, that’s for sure.  but i am open to living anywhere.  i go where i need.  my heart guides me.  these days, i love with more commitment in my heart.  devotion is this new feeling i am tending to.  i feel devoted to seattle.  i feel devoted to my book.  i feel devoted to the souls i love.  what matters?  who am i becoming?  my friends are amazing the way they accept me, my need for solitude, my way, my mannerisms.  we give unconditional love.  interlaken is a forest.  i have been walking to it this week.  when i am in the woods, i am free.  i am happy.  the canopy of trees, the bird calls, the soil, green, hidden….it’s bliss.  i need to go there again.  this morning.  the trees i am devoted to too.  i feel like a popcorn kernal on a hot pan that’s turning into a sinking seed with daydreams of purple petals.

in order to live here

i see that my number of likes has increasingly gone down these days, perhaps equivalent to the more internal my writing is.  oh well.  i experiment with the desire to be listened to and enjoyed, and the stronger desire to be consistent about blogging my truth, for a reason i am not entirely sure of, other than, to maintain consistency.  blogging is a yoga and meditation.  i am used to not being listened to or enjoyed.  i am used to also, being listened to and enjoyed.  i watch faith hit my rocky shore of the fiction writing i am doing, where i see more care invested.  i see us all in the same boat.  we want to be listened to and enjoyed, as writers.  if i pan out to be not relevant, i will flow with that.  though i will keep being true to myself, consistently, not allowing the judgement or like factor of others, to be a reflection of what i need to express.  i faced and accepted a long time ago, the consequences of living as an outcast from beginning to end, deciding it didn’t matter if the happiness of acceptance, entered my life or not.  nothing feels more strangling to me than being somebody i am not, in order to live here as michelle.  i would rather not live here, than be false to do so.  i am not flexible about this.  and i don’t care to be.  i am like the man in my dream last night.  hanging on me, wanting my energy, crazy in the head, me unable to fend him off cause i was not physically strong enough.  it’s a message.  i need to become physically strong to turn the stubborn impervious part of me into a strength as well.  body weakness makes my soul strength turn to crazy.  if i deny strength to my body, i deny strength to my soul.  hence, my summer ashram is much about body and becoming physically strong.  i remember once, back in the olden days of portland, when k and i got real tossed, and i wanted to wrestle.  of course, he being strong, and i weak, he won.  but i fought with every breath of my life, and it felt amazing to release that kind of energy.  i put up a playful fight.  i can feel primal me, having been denied expression all these years, due to dna and environmental shaping, my soul’s burdens at the time.  self love is powerful, cause it blows to bits all the rationalizing you put up to protect the wound from being exposed.  once the wound is exposed, you see it is never ending.  like a black hole, it will take you somewhere you have never been, that is terrifying.  but not for long.  love keeps supporting you.  you’re alright when your journey is complete.  and suddenly you are free of rationalizing.  you see what you need, on a pure honest level.  it’s about caring for self.  first.  i can feel my body’s needs and i want to serve them.  i hate saying “my body”.  i am body, for now.  i can feel my needs, and i want to serve them.  i can feel the fierce power of my type of physical energy.  large cat.  something carnivorous and playful, loyal, and spaced out.  i can feel living in the desert as this large cat.  i can feel body begging me to meet its needs.  physical affection is big.  i pet a dog on my walk yesterday and almost cried for how good it felt.  i am sick of mind creating a pyramid, creating credos, manifestos, philosophies, in order to create the exact creation in my vision…it’s a scorpio’s gift and curse.  right now, it’s eroding something inside.  i release the definitions, i release mind’s need to manipulate the clay into her chosen life sculpture.  for now.  i want to let body guide.  i want to free myself from myself.   for the summer.  be free of the builder.  live more like a creature.  a dive into body, to initiate balance, and than integration will take hold.  booze free.  open to the world.  we shall see.  yesterday i took a city hike and found glee.  mixing photos of graffiti with a forest walk.  the long uphill part.  where i played with gravity.  gravity is love, ryan once said, and it stuck like iron in the blood.  i asked to feel a new relationship with it.  and i did, walking up a mile long hill, at a meditative pace, sensing the nuances, walking with grace.  gravity became something within me, a circular motion, a decision that was made.  to participate.  it’s hard to explain.  when the hill leveled out i started guiding with my hips.  it opened the tummy chakras.  i could feel my tummy begging me to release its energy baby.  i do this.  i get a really big tummy that exaggerates until i release it with a piece of art, or an a-ha, or something.  shamanic pregnancy i call it.  i am having it again.  it’s uncomfortable.  but when i started using my hips, i felt relief.  sexual energy is in the hips.  i feel the desire, in its purity.  i am containing it, honoring it.  not looking for anyone or anything.  concept free.  bringing.  primordial.  if you can have one moment of pure honesty, in any area of your life, it will change you forever.  you can say the word honesty.  you can think you are honest.  but real honesty, when it is revealed, makes you cry, because you see how you have been deluding yourself, in order to survive.  it’s the barking will of the flimsy shadow.  i don’t feel like getting into it.  next time.  anyhow, for those who read my blog, thank you.  if i didn’t care about sharing, i would write this privately.  i also understand how deep i am, and how most people like to hear about events and particulars that are physically manifest.  real, as you would call it.   i like that too.  i get it.  i will make sure to cover those areas again.  right now, life is happening mostly on the invisible.

truth is my true love

the goal, is to listen to body-heart-mind-flow (for lack of a better term) and not the mental tape created from wounding that sprung into a full fledged paradigm, and divides the human self up into dissected parts.

the goal is to keenly, like a fox, recognize the tape, starve it out by not indulging it. the tape needs no love, it’s just a tape.  what needs love is the quivering girl who was kidnapped by the tape, held hostage.  return this girl, to the rest of me. put her back into the wholeness of complete love.

to do this: walk into the feelings you want to flee naturally because you are wired to flee from what isolates you from the pack, and approval in general.  walk into shame.  if that’s the big blue diamond in your pandora’s box.  it will be either shame or some intense version of rebellion against love.

the goal is unification of aspects.  marriage of parts.  psychological alchemy, which sews the mind back to body, along with movement of some sort where you breathe and move in unison, a simple way to make fiber optic bridges until being catches on.

being is what you are doing.  what you are, is being.  i am fully tired of contrast currently.  tired of arguing or tearing walls down.  now we are in brain.  mind stuff.  i am in a stage where i want to explore the dimensions and possibilities, alone, or with other explorers.

i spend a lot of time polarizing people cause i am the type who gets off on that.  i like contrast a whole lot.  i draw to me religious, existential, and atheist.  everybody who is different.  more rational.  or more emotional. the variety.  it’s fun to be in bouquet company, if you know what i mean.  but right now, i am craving similar company.  like a bouquet of different orchids.  same but different.

only because i want to go deeper.  i want to get places.  similar but different can make a crew that can go further cause of different specialties but with the same goal.

also i have been craving moving.  not sure where.  to a new place on the hill?  off the hill but still in seattle?  california?  back to vegas?  one thing is for sure, i wont be leaving the west coast right now in this cycle.  i have been waiting to domesticate with a romantic partner.  only cause that’s what my heart wants.  although not sure.  this may be a dumb thing the tape is making, or a desire with wrong timing.

i see how i operate though.  i reach the zenith of where i am at, and it’s always on a high dive.  then i dive.  all at once.  into the pool.  it’s more fun that way.  i dive into every place i move.

dream spaces: a basement, or nobody under me to worry about, with quadrophonic speakers, hard wood floors, and wall to wall mirror, to dance like crazy, alone.  a garage space, large enough to work on like…two big painting and a sculpture at once, be totally messy, record player for music, good lighting, way to be heated in the cold.  a plot to grow food.  to write in a room filled with books, by a window with a view.

i like small spaces.  i like to be in a cave.  i like to feel nestled.  it doesn’t have to be big.  but my dream spaces involve a house.  i suppose a part of me very much does want to root.  i enjoy being a hermit and choosing when to get out of that mode, at my command.  i could easily spend my days tending to the home, writing, painting, creating, cooking, cleaning, channeling.  ah, dreams.  they are inspiring even as dreams only.

another part of me wishes to live on a sailboat.  in this dream i am tan and weathered, a mind restless and vast like the sea.  heart wild and free.  it’s pretty classic.

i know there are world matters to tend to.  right?  the real deal.  the main event.  i know, i know, i know.

life is much more vast than just being about self pleasure, expression, happiness, dreaming.  i no longer make my dreams the central focus of this living process.  i sew it in as the purple thread to the patch work of…

knowing why i am really here.  don’t want to talk about that.  tired of talking about the esoteric stuff.  i see why certain people and groups kept their work secret.  when you dole it out, you get a lot of slandering, you have to take it down so many notches, to make it understandable, minds wrestle, people are easily threatened, the creature really shows its reactive side.  i know this might make me sound arrogant.

a kindred i keep up with, talks a lot about being arrogant on his posts, cause people find him to be cocky.  in my opinion, all he is doing is sharing what he has discovered.  but when what you have discovered is on another level than what others are discovering, they call you arrogant, unless you disclaim it with “this is how i see it”, “no judgement to what you believe”,  “i know i am nuts but i wanted to share this”.  something to make others feel safe.

i don’t feel like doing any of this disclaiming.  arguing.  kudos to those who do.  (i just disclaimed).  i would much rather keep my work to myself and channel it into works that i then can give.  then whomever reads it, can come up against it however they want.  they can call the character cocky if they want.

i wish i could carry a spray bottle of “i don’t think i am better than you, just because i claim truths you can’t understand”.  or a spray that says, “my passionate bold expression does not equal arrogance”.

i like to express myself a lot, on facebook, in blog, everywhere.  people think it’s narcissistic who don’t like to do this.  they judge what they are not.  from my observations, those who are publicly expressive post a lot, and those who are privately expressive, don’t.  it’s only a matter of variety.

truth is the touchiest subject alive.  i don’t mind claiming truth.  i don’t mind others claiming truth.  i don’t care if our truths are different.  i don’t mind dissolving a truth i have claimed in a second.  i don’t mind being trumped.  i welcome it.  i don’t mind trumping.  i welcome it.  i am a truth hunter.  it’s a passionate adventure for me.  i am inspired the most, by truth.  truth is my true love.

i do believe there is objective truth.  i feel it.  i know it to be true.  it contains laws that can be transcended.  it contains actualities that can vanish.  it is living.  sentient life does not need form.  i am having a love affair with source, and all the layers.  i am seducing the fractal patterns.  my emotions are not involved.  only feelings.

here’s the cool part.  i started out on this path cause of emotions.  cause i hated being me, i hated being alive, i hated the world, i was suffering, i wanted death to have me, i was all mental, all emotion, the dark passenger drove my vehicle…and the only seed of love that sprouted through my personal hell vortex….was an equally powerful urge to run from the world, into a place i missed.

a place i felt to be home.  truth.

once i got to the level where my hell vortex was in the passenger seat, i began to rebel against truth.  i did not know it at the time, but i was worried that my dive into truth was only the plea to escape suffering, nothing more.  an escape route my mind created to feel ok with being here.  your basic existential philosophy.

i left truth for a while.  focused only on form.  wanting to get where i could not get before.  career success.  nice body.  partner.  things.  money.   you know the score.  but all that did was give me a broken ankle.  i gained a lot of weight.  i fell apart in a whole new way.  it was untruth i was living.  i had escaped into form because i thought i was being pure.

boy did i have to crawl back to truth apologizing.  but truth wasn’t offended.  truth was like, “hey, you’re back, i was just having some tea”.  the war was over.  i realized who i was on a whole new level.

who i am.  when i say this, i mean, this expression.  this michelle expression.  i value this michelle person because she is a living aspect of truth, wanting to understand itself, wanting to become real, to transcend the dream.  it’s an art piece in the making.  me.

so here i am.  tired and sick of language that divides everything up into parts to look at under a microscope.  sick of truth being mystified and facts being pealed open like dead pieces of fruit, void of life.  i want to see science mud slide into mysticism.  it’s not my job, but i am hungry to see it happen.

my job is a heart job.  i am over here in feelings land.  a feelings angel, a buck once told me.   i am useless alone.  but i can do a lot.  think of a snail to understand my vibration.  or a turtle.  the feminine me, anyways. very close to what is often overlooked.  can easily be stomped on.

the masculine me is….a falcon.  sometimes a sparrow.  sometimes a cardinal.  sometimes a crow.  bird.  mental.  information.  insight.  messages.  fast moving.  flying.  swooping.  aggressive.  sudden.  telepathic.  can easily be shot and eaten, or stuffed and looked at.

ah, monday reflections….it’s memorial day…it feels energetically like the weekend as a result.  i don’t have any final thoughts.  i need to move my body.  maybe get in some nature.  city hike till these pent up energies unravel….

 

out of love i…

last night we went to faire cafe to see two bands.  golden gardens took me on a journey inside of myself.  and terrabyte, i love watching and listening to her play, mesmerizing.  i left feeling filled up by music.  didn’t drink and didn’t care.  was pondering how it felt really good to not drink.  to be in this place of raw nakedness.  i shot photos and observed.  i noticed how booze made everyone happier as the night wore on.  booze makes the mundane exciting.  it makes the opportunity for sex seem like it’s around the corner and like you want that, because you are a drunk creature, living in your base gut self, a sea creature almost.  it’s not always like that of course, this is one aspect.  anyhow, i was noticing it.  noticing not drinking, how mellow i felt, and when moments of excitement coursed through me, to dance, or with an a-ha, the energy came and went more like a spurt, than an extended period of heightened enthusiasm.  i don’t judge it.  i don’t judge poisons.  everything has its place.  i am on a different journey than usual.  in the past, anytime i have cleansed from anything, i don’t believe this much love was involved, and i was still stuck in good bad thinking.  this time, it’s out of love i cleanse and transform.  i see the human desire for desire, keenly.  how not much different getting drunk is from a hard long work out, or from mastering something.  just cause with one thing, all you have to do is swallow, doesn’t make it less valid.  it’s the difference between having experiences handed to you, or working for them.  if you peel back those layers you will find a ton of judgement crawling around like termites behind a wall, such as believing having things handed to you is spoiled and working for things has merit.  but really, it just grows different characteristics.  drinking though, is much more than having excitement handed to you in a glass, it’s also something that makes your frequency get more squashed and compressed, it taxes the liver and fills the blood with fire, it can do damage, we all know this.  just making a point about desired emotional outcomes, is all.  i am more into my body right now.  body is my why.  i am approaching being this body from a new angle.  seeing it as my temple so to speak.  or more like a life i want to nurture, invest in, grow.  where as my entire life, body has felt like a trap, something i wished to leave, due to all the imprinting of pain and fear, violation, isolation, and the subsequent patterns i developed that made it worse over time, self destruction button with a hand on it, death a happy exit.  only cause i love life so much.  this is where compassion comes in.   it’s ok to have compassion for yourself, if it’s a struggle to love being body, to treat body with love.  if you’ve been through experiences when young, that you were too little to know how to handle, it will embed in the wet cement of your fresh dna, and turn into a hot mess of a story line as you grow into an adult.  the adult must break down the puzzle, change the picture on it, puzzle piece by puzzle piece, not in order, and then at last, put the puzzle back together to see the new picture.  it’s work.  it’s intense.  you fall and get back up, back track and leap.  it’s a spiral movement.  you get triggered left and right by reflections of the hurt manifested as situations with people who “hurt you”.  if you don’t realize this, you get more deeply embedded into the story line of suffering.  you must realize how you create the new version of the original moment(s) as a kid, see the tricks you played on yourself.  i see mine.  i see how i have hidden inside of something else.  a master of self deception.  even in how i look.  people emerge from different internal wars, arriving at different victories, crossroads, and conclusions.  my body has been fought over since its inception.  and love finally won.  the truth is true.  love is more powerful.  love took over the the civil duality war.  love dissolved both sides.  specifically compassion.  and instead of feeling happy and being done, i find myself diving even deeper, into the mystery of why this pain exists in the first place.  not why people hurt people.  not why suffering exists.  deeper.  it’s hard to explain.  moving on.  now i am protective.  of the energy that enters this body.  the quality.  back to romantic love, where roots re-grow…..we all have our own experience of what we desire in that area of our life.  i have watched myself create a philosophy based on my experiences.  we do that.  i want to play human and do grounded stuff like have standards and allow my desires to unfold into fulfillment and disappointment.  but i also want to keep emptying out.  two souls makes the union.  not an idea.  what two souls are, two souls are.  i believe you can’t control this.  love, you one hundred percent don’t get to decide.  it courses through and makes itself known in various guises.  if you try to run from love, you will get sick.  you must obey, if you want radiance.  hence, you can relax.  you don’t have to try to be loved or to love somebody.  you can’t make somebody be what you want them to be.  i feel like that’s all i have done in my youthful attempts.  shoving circles into squares cause mind wants it to be a certain way.  it feels relieving to be free of needing another to fulfill the internal essentials.  exciting too.  when life touches me deeply, the constant awe of being a being here, that continuous wonder…is the nourishment i need.  don’t need it from a person.  and yet, i’d be a fool to deny the experience of needing someone. that certain romantic love where you feel you can’t live without the other.  is beautiful.   at the same time, i will always have an aspect of me alone, in the center, self generating with spirit in an internal ashram.  this is what i feel.  open to that changing.  supple.  light-hearted even.  at least right now.  a scorpio can only be light- hearted to a certain extent, or we get bored!  all things considered, i am fully prepared to have any theories smashed to bits.  i like to pulverize what no longer serves.  in this current pulverization stage i am in, it feels good each time a thought reaches real death.

color hunting

i got stung by nettles today.  it happened cause d. thought baby little pine cones were growing off this plant.  but no, they just fell into it.  i went to go pick up the teeny pine cone bouquet, and ouch!  nettles cover the forest floor of discovery park.  i have been taking the tincture nettles for some time now.  getting stung by nettles felt like a hello, or an initiation.  like i was being given a badge of honor.  the sting quickly went deep into the skin, then the bone.  i can still feel it now.  stinging me.  it felt like it might not end.  been having many sensations like that lately.  sensations that never end.  it’s scary.  it feels like reality is becoming something more intense, and that i might lose control.  this is why i densify with low vibration things.  to manage.  to cope.  but no more.  i am done coping.  i am facing the next layer of fears.  i wanna live on a sailboat.  or not be afraid of this place.  and everything in between.  this sounds so lame, but walking in my shoes last night was fear facing.  i say lame, cause my version of fear facing is baby level.  at least with physical stuff.  anyhow, on a whim, i bought these really high wedge sandals.  lady me wanted a pair of shoes.  they are not a heel, but the wedge goes really high, it’s sorta like walking on stilts.  i broke my ankle back in two thousand and nine.  seven screws and a plate are in my leg now.  i gotta a vulnerable ankle.  and i bought these shoes.  why?  for the look of them.  i admit.  but suddenly they became my mindful shoes.  because i have to walk in them mindfully, in order to prevent my ankle turning on it’s side, me crashing to the ground, and seven screws flying out of my broken skin.  that would not happen.  but the fear feels like it will.  the fear is always with me.  it’s a fear of the body coming apart.  physical pain.  silly.  cause all physical pain is, is a texture, is fear wanting to leave the body.   i know this by experience too.  when my ankle broke, and i waited fifteen minutes for the ambulance to arrive, i grabbed my friend’s hand, and i repeated something in my head.  i don’t recall what i said.  but i felt no pain.  maybe it was only shock keeping me from feeling it.  but no, when i got my tattoos, i repeated, “i am numb” in my head and felt nothing after a minute.  when i was young, and i would fall, or one time, i smacked my head into concrete running toward a tunnel, my reaction was to laugh!  thing is, if i want to be the explorer of dimensions i am, i gotta get used to the feeling of not knowing what is happening, to allow the sensations to never end.  i also need to stop focusing on bad things being about to happen.  it’s like a bug.  i need to de-bug.  i am.  it’s all work right now.  but i don’t mind.  getting into the trees, and to water, and getting sun, is key.  i am fantasizing (as usual) about moving.  i want more nature at my immediate exposure.  i think.  i don’t know.  it’s all part of it, nature, city, water, land.   nature is blood and blood is light and light is love and love is the nectar i swallow and speak and the city urban life is also neat because it makes me crazy and that craziness forces me to get out my expression on paper in ways, that i cherish, and bring a specific feeling rock solid happiness.  going nuts and being serene both serve the love pouring through this heart of mine.  my heart.  me.  been inspired lately, though a variety of resources and people’s expressions, to saturate myself in individuation.  be as me as me can be.  another exploration.  sometimes the vision is living on a sail boat.  other times, a tiny place in a high rise in the busiest city in the world.  sometimes it’s a hut on the sea.  other times, a cabin in the trees.  it’s everything i guess.  the push pull of my will to create from desire, and what comes naturally by opening and receiving,  feels like a magnet, feels like sexual energy inside of me.  the sex feels like love.   the love feels like perception cracking open.  yes, it is a realization…enlightenment is a realization.  living changes too.  suddenly, you can hear people whispering downstairs.  you can see beings in a painting which turned into a portal.  you can feel things you can’t put words to, trying to expose themselves from your ability to make language.  running from what you ought to be doing to survive, you find yourself obsessively hunting for a new color.  you don’t know why and you don’t care.  you scare yourself.  people you want to, don’t understand.   so you go to your ego to give you some bravado.  you want to push through it.  you want to give what you have discovered, created with your mind and hands…no matter what the the threat that persists and commands.

for everybody who wants it

today is a special day in many ways.  finished book one, draft one, of my trilogy.  i like how i say that is if i am some seasoned writer.  i guess i am overly confident.  don’t worry, my insecurities somewhere else will balance me out.  blah blah blah.  boy, am i sick of the same old garb.  i am letting it go.  success is not about numbers or likes.  it’s about completion and fruition, transformation and alchemy, manifestation of values, imbued into the living ether, remembering what life is by feeling.  feeling.  feeling.  feeling.  i am feeling my way into and down, up, and all around.  slug.  snail.  wet.  new.  blind.  fragile.  in my vedic chart i am libra and libra in vedic means, my life is about a spiritual journey i must choose and take, which i shall also fall from, out of grace.  been doing that for years now.  libra is stuck in balance till is transcends balance.  all concepts may be transcended, and when they are, reality becomes new.  can you imagine?  a real live extra-terrestrial before you?  these memories of mine, are they fake?  all i can do, is follow this call to uncover and create.  the wild life is different for everybody who wants it.  for me, it’s not about drinking and smoking, being bad, riding motorcycles, climbing mountains, deep sea diving, sitting in ashrams, living out of a back back (although that i am down for one day).  for me, the wild life,  is a life spent opening up the dimensions, exploring them, bringing them to this reality.  i do this.  in the stories i create.  i write about what i wish to be and who i must let go of.  i write about the shame and the ideals.  i write about the spectrum of what i feel.  not to get forty two likes and a lollipop sticker to put on my big fancy car VIP.  not to get a deal out of it either.  there’s a part of me that seeks worldly success, i’m not gonna lie.  i have poison in me too, still.  but i keep on purifying.  why?  i want to.  it feels amazing.  it opens up the dimensions.  life becomes about new things.  this is my wild life.  gotta keep moving.  i have an antsy soul.  but i also understand that this time, i need to face the world, while at the same time, walking inward.  it’s a huge challenge that is teaching me how to hold two simultaneous feelings.  i am obsessed with simultaneous these days.  i wonder, if in my hands, i hold a baby other people will love, or a baby they will ignore?  myth number 399.  put it on a tarot card, and call it quits.  how many times we gonna play the same roles, till we get bored?  why are people so mean?  i am asking the same question i did when i was five.  but now i know the answer (not).  people are mean, cause people are mean.  it does not matter why.  i am no longer hurt by mean words, but physical mean, that still hurts.  what is the body, mommy?  it’s your vehicle, your translation, it’s not yours, it’s all of the above, it’s none of the above, it’s a dream, a matrix, a machine, a gift, a karmic burden, a mystery, a map, a loom for the Lordess, a place for God to take a nap, would you like some strawberry ice cream?  this blog is very much a stream.  puttering into drips.  time to get into bed, and watch an ASMR video, ahhh, brain affection, listening while holding a selenite wand in my hands, pointed into my dreaming.

curiosity inspired the cat

my nails are painted green and whenever i look at them, i smile.  color brings me joy.  i don’t know what to talk about.  i am not sure i want to talk about my current process, because it’s deep and feels personal.  let me just reveal that i am undergoing major renovations of body, mind, spirit.  alchemy is upon me.  the book is flowing.  i feel mostly like being by myself.  craving large doses of solitude.  going to bed at nine and waking up at six am.  needing lots of sleep.  receptive.  supple.  slow.  still.  but getting ready to yang out with my wang out, once the new moon hits.  we are in venus retrograde for six weeks, boy do i feel it.  i am turned within.  yesterday at the vajra, sra and i transcended our moods.  it was a team effort.  new reaction nation, this is the protocol.  transcending the usual way you react to circumstances is the most powerful way to harness your will, show yourself that you do in fact, create your reality.  i am becoming a reaction transcending junkie.  i get off on stuff like this.  it’s self love put into action.  giving my vehicle wheels, taking it off the mechanics belt.  letting the ocean flow.  remembering in my heart, that i am here to gain insight into the nature of being human.  watching humans.  i watched a documentary on the “tibetan book of the dead”.  i was moved by their belief about what happens after you die.  the 42 day bardo, where your soul can either realize all is a projection of mind, and liberate itself by returning to oneness, or remain caught in the web of karma, and reincarnate.  i don’t know if i believe in their conception…but i opened my mind to it fully, allowed grace to soften me, and felt very receptive to this belief.  i was touched.  i felt a certain sense of truth, but it did not resonate completely.  i feel the feminine wisdom starved out in most spiritual beliefs that come from the past, that have been put down into religions.  i feel the desire to transcend my reactivity and conception of what it means to be manifested into human form.  at the same time, i don’t want to scoff at everything already written, like a nasty rebel.  i have respect.  for the truly spiritual aspects of all religions.  not the counterfeit politically manipulated exploited version of religion.  i know the difference, and honor everybody’s earnest and particular approach to re-establishing intimacy with source.  i want to get heavily into yoga now.  i feel my resistance to doing so.  body love.  body war.  what this body has been through.  the clinging that is illusion.  the experiences that are real.  transcendence.  this makes romantic love an even newer thing.  if i remove my mind, and the concepts, i can feel my heart emanate out for a suitable partner, for romantic love that is anchored in heart.  i don’t know what that looks like, i admit.  it’s scary to think about it manifesting, only because it is unfamiliar.  we don’t have to be experts.  expectations are mud sliding off of me.  this call for love is about frequency, not concepts.  i have always been very particular, i realize.  and my particularities are not in the norm.  what i have to offer is enough.  have you said that to yourself lately?   feeling not good enough is nothing to fear, hide, or be ashamed of.  no shooting second arrows into the chest.  one difficult feeling, is enough.  i am at the point in my book where i must hand write and then transcribe.  it’s a big pain in the ass.  but i love writing justin, first person.  it’s my first time doing it.  i love being inside of him.  he is the side of me that i have neglected and adored, in a tarzan swing since 1995.  because melissa, the female character, is filled with too much self hatred to accept his love.  seeing my past psyche splayed out into present characters is really exciting.  anais talked about the writer living two lives, the life lived, and the life written about.  we all play the same roles, but with different nuances.  the current trend is to dissolve all the roles.  remove the subject.  remove the self.  it’s funny.  everybody’s doing it.  being an “i” is becoming totally passe.  it’s all about being “one”.  i think it’s cute.  we are remembering our oneness and integrating it.  we are realizing “i” is creator.  we are experiencing ourselves as extensions or translations, of source.  this guy, newly up from the deep south, showed up at the store yesterday.  he walked in and asked, “is this the magic shop my friend was telling me about”?  he said they have none of this where he comes from.  he made a statement under his breath, about where he comes from not being there anymore, due to tornadoes.  then he walked out.  i felt drawn to him.  his home might have been destroyed.  it was cool, how fascinated he felt, to see the vajra.  he was curious.  just like i was, when watching the documentary on “the tibetan book of the dead”.  the beauty of both individual and cultural uniqueness, is the variety we get to experience as a result, when we approach differences with curiosity and excitement.  i am sorry, but curiosity only kills like….one cat in twelve.  and let’s face it, death is something we all do, it’s no biggie.  we find out what’s on the other side, when we are on the other side.  mystery is a friend.

jumping into this yang suit

just got back to seattle and i could have kissed the ground.  how i love this city, let me count the ways.  nothing like a trip away to make you appreciate what you have.  kt picked me up in her convertible and the wind whipped my hair, washing the east coast off of me.  i have come back knowing something new.  that i am no longer an east coast person.  i think it’s been drained out of me.  the other current thing happening with me is…i am becoming unified, choosing, being pointed.  i did not call out for this obsession.  it came to me.  like a muse.  it’s a brand new thing for me to be pointed and unified.  i have identified with being the sea, chaos, the all, riding the waves, heavily yin, for all my life.  jumping into this yang suit feels fun and different, and hard of course, cause it is uncomfortable.  i am putting my eggs into one basket.  this is not to say that if the basket vanishes i wont be ok.  i will.  sand mandala all the way.  no investment in the solidity of anything.  investment only in change.  having fun like a child.  cause that’s the name of the game.  woah, i am using a bunch of cliches.  my brain is tired, it’s easy to revert.  what happened in new york was major.  what happens in new york is always major for me.  new york is the place i transform.  what initiates that is a combination of humidity, crowds, the spirit of the city, and the spirit of lys.  it happened the very last day, at our last lunch at the turkish place.  without going into details….tears came out as i reached a place where i could see how i have been living divided because i was in the driver’s seat and the dark passenger was always there, coming along for the ride.  two things happened.  one, i let the dark passenger go.  two, i transcended duality.  i am no longer about valuing the darkness anymore.  or the light.  change is the constant.  duality is no longer my framework.  once unification occurs the dark and light go away.  color is what replaces.  all self aspects are color, because all aspects are love.  it’s about self love and nothing else.  self love is the ripple that ripples into all other love.  self is spirit.  self love is expressed through feeling.  people ask me all the time, how to release their emotions, how to feel…because it is always through an emotional release, that we can let go of the past and all the characters that we have brought to life in ourselves, as a result of our past.  i don’t have an answer.  for me, i make an intention to feel, and eventually it manifests in a moment of release, like a dam breaking.  this is what happened in the turkish place, and what has happened several times throughout my life.  i reach the core sorrow, the core hurt, feel it as i felt it when it originated, and feel it with immense compassion for myself, which then leads me to have compassion for those who have hurt me.  it’s the release of sorrow that unleashes the compassion, and it’s the compassion which brings me to forgiveness, and once i forgive truly in my heart, i let go.  once i have let go, i see the characters i have invented within myself, the shadow personalities and defense mechanisms that have supported and rationalized the wound.  i see those personalities for what they are.  all romance is taken out of them.  i let go once there is no romance left in the personality aspect or defense mechanism.  i become new.  this is transformation.  transformation for me, only occurs through re-experiencing the sorrow, with compassion, which initiates forgiveness.  real forgiveness.  many people, including myself over the years, think they forgive, but it’s all mental.  it’s forced.  or it’s a defensive forgiveness such as, “yeah i forgive, whatever” …which is really a disguise for futility.   real forgiveness moves the heart tremendously.  it washes away pain.  it changes the being.  this time, in new york, i reached real core forgiveness for myself.  i saw my dark passenger clearly for who she is, a personality created to cope with the pain.  she dissolved in the love of my compassion.  dark and light dissolved in the light of my letting go.  and i came back to seattle, a skinless slug who has just been yanked from the sea, and is drying out in the sun.  i come back raw and naked.  i come back clean.  i walked to volunteer park and lay in the grass, thanking earth.  i feel as if i fought an inner civil war on my pilgrimage back east, and won.  my appetite is bigger.  my muscles hurt.  i need to jog, stretch, and say hello to the trees.  today i will get back to my book too.  i am excited.  i have missed writing.  it’s funny, how now the only place i can write is at this one cafe.  i can be a real dud.  i need exact structure to make something happen.  sometimes.  i am thankful for my seattle structure, for the time being.  i want more structure.  it’s part of the yang costume i am wearing.  structure gives me happiness, because i am happiest when i am creating and manifesting.  i can’t do that being a mollusk floating in the sea.  time to bring spirit more into me.  yang is spirit me.  starlight.  yellow and indigo.  bright and pulsating.  spirit can’t help itself, it needs me to bring it through.  me is here, looking at you…with new eyes, post breakthrough….